Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
