There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
