It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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