The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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