The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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