I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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