Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
