cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
