When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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