I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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