just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am one with the molecules
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
