I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
