there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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