yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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