When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
