Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
