i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
