OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
