If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We had to coat check the pizza.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
