Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
