my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
