oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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