I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
