It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
