I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
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