Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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