Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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