So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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