So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
