I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
