we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
