im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
