Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Life is so much better after having sex.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
