The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
