I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
