OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
