Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
