He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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