I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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