I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
