Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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