I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
