You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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