Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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