Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
