i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
