this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
