I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
