I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
do herpes really smell.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
