Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
